END.

COOLGUYS.

"you know what I want babe?

cool guys like you outta my life"

AT WAR.

I am a sap.

Three recognizable characters grazed the screen for a mere 36 seconds.

wet, soaking wet.

There is no rain in my Scotland.

WAR, missing warmth.  

Summer stings, his hot breath .

The film finished, the theater roared, 

unaware, unaccompanied.

I hold my own hand, silently.

I am a sap.

The night licks my hot cheeks, I brake the bottle on the castle walls.

I walk along side her volcano, I profess my love, 

wasted on rocks, on hills and meadows.

I am gothic, numb as black lips. black tongue.

I want to mirror her, the undying, undeniable charm.

she is strong.

Instead, I embarrass myself.

I am a sap.

I spit in the sink of a strangers pale blue bathroom.

I watch the violinist with hunger, his socks match his shirt.

I count eyelashes, prominent and beautiful, though his words don't resonate.

A lover kisses his mouth, I am quietly enraged.

I steal cigarettes, I reapply lipstick repeatedly.

I prowl and prance, I ask to see his bedroom.

I fall asleep next to a man whose name I don't remember.

He holds me, we freeze, 

the embrace, lulling.

I am a sap.

I wake, 

in sheets I've never seen.

 lights on, bra off.

I piss, I eat a croissant. I use his ex's lipgloss.

I take pictures of his typewriter.  

Ten minutes spent trying to open the door to the main road,

his neighbor finds me, drunk, on God's day.

bemused, disoriented, I can't find home.

Daylight casts a hideous shadow.

so, I sleep until it's dark again.

I am a sap.

with no method to mayhem.

this is all I know 

of war,

ME VERUS ME VERUS ME VERUS ME.

coexistence.

left.

there was no sun to set.   the light dissipated, simultaneously, the city glowed.

a group of spanish men observed us like birds in a sanctuary,

flapping our wings softly, making tiny noises with our throats.

we'd reached a peak.

upon flat moss and rabbit holes I wished I could crawl inside, we sighed.

for, this is a finer moment in life.

After, while guzzling gin beside a toilet,

the bleakest of black tiled walls,

I secretly wished these moments were permanent, 

not a capsule of time.

that she would stay, keep me feel safe.

ease the transition.

Sunday, I woke up with that daunting ache,

as though I'd slept with a man I loved,

but knew, it was 

over.

he was 

gone.

 left to fend, 

with my only friend, my only lover,

the city which breaths me,

keeps me warm at night.   

explode.

'i am all for putting new wine into old bottles, especially if the pressure of the new wine makes the old bottles explode'

Angela Carter, Notes.